Winding Down

Amazing how easy it is to wind down a little. I can only conclude that winding down is long overdue. How easily I begin to slip back into my long-time comfort zone amidst yarns, fabrics, books, thoughts, reading my yahoo group digest for the first time in many years to see who's knitting what kind of socks now, getting lost in a cookbook for Middle Eastern recipes and descriptions of how food is served.

It was a big decision when I decided to retire in 2001 because I loved my job; but once I settled into retirement, I never looked back. It was absolutely the right decision. It was another big decision when my friend called me back to the working world in 2003, but after much deep introspection, I committed to her for as long as she needed me; and I gave up looking back, even then. And now this unexpected return to retirement again - I'm amazed at how ready I am.

Nearly four weeks ago, when we knew we would see a dramatic change at the end of the weekend, I was lost. And I know she was, too - we were both in shock. Only two weeks before, we had discussed a 5-year plan and I had agreed to join her (even though a career continuation of 5 years, at my age, is silly to think about).

But as I have come to realize that this is the way it is, I have begun to slip back to the retired me, surrounded by my stuff, and I find I'm content.

Christmas morning, I was up at 5:30 in the morning. My yearning took me directly to my sewing machine where I picked up a long-neglected quilt and put together the sash for it. It will become a bedspread when I'm done. I worked steadily for almost three hours before Lauren was up and at it for the day. I was lost in a mental flow, and all feelings of loss and confusion lifted like a fog as the sun climbs the sky. That was probably the turning point for me.

This past week, I even picked up one of my Karen Armstrong books, left laying on a shelf some time ago (perhaps a year, or two, or three), and I was able to sink my thoughts into it quickly. Such a complex thinker, she is. After having read her account of her young adulthood and how she came to be where she is today, I think I try to read between the lines about her spiritual journey in all the things she writes; and I wonder where she really stands today. Such an interesting person.

And I'm well into the latest Elizabeth George - this last book is such a departure from her previous series. I found the story a little hard to get into, but after putting the book down at night, I find that her characters stay with me.

Hello world. I'm on my way back. Now just to find my path once again. I have arrived at the turn-about, and I'm slowly going the circle while I think about which street I want to take for my next journey. Knowing the rest of my life isn't as long as it was when I was 20, I want to be careful to choose a path that I can wear well and has some meaning to me. Waiting and vegetating isn't my style, but a certain amount of caution seems prudent.