Winding Down

Amazing how easy it is to wind down a little. I can only conclude that winding down is long overdue. How easily I begin to slip back into my long-time comfort zone amidst yarns, fabrics, books, thoughts, reading my yahoo group digest for the first time in many years to see who's knitting what kind of socks now, getting lost in a cookbook for Middle Eastern recipes and descriptions of how food is served.

It was a big decision when I decided to retire in 2001 because I loved my job; but once I settled into retirement, I never looked back. It was absolutely the right decision. It was another big decision when my friend called me back to the working world in 2003, but after much deep introspection, I committed to her for as long as she needed me; and I gave up looking back, even then. And now this unexpected return to retirement again - I'm amazed at how ready I am.

Nearly four weeks ago, when we knew we would see a dramatic change at the end of the weekend, I was lost. And I know she was, too - we were both in shock. Only two weeks before, we had discussed a 5-year plan and I had agreed to join her (even though a career continuation of 5 years, at my age, is silly to think about).

But as I have come to realize that this is the way it is, I have begun to slip back to the retired me, surrounded by my stuff, and I find I'm content.

Christmas morning, I was up at 5:30 in the morning. My yearning took me directly to my sewing machine where I picked up a long-neglected quilt and put together the sash for it. It will become a bedspread when I'm done. I worked steadily for almost three hours before Lauren was up and at it for the day. I was lost in a mental flow, and all feelings of loss and confusion lifted like a fog as the sun climbs the sky. That was probably the turning point for me.

This past week, I even picked up one of my Karen Armstrong books, left laying on a shelf some time ago (perhaps a year, or two, or three), and I was able to sink my thoughts into it quickly. Such a complex thinker, she is. After having read her account of her young adulthood and how she came to be where she is today, I think I try to read between the lines about her spiritual journey in all the things she writes; and I wonder where she really stands today. Such an interesting person.

And I'm well into the latest Elizabeth George - this last book is such a departure from her previous series. I found the story a little hard to get into, but after putting the book down at night, I find that her characters stay with me.

Hello world. I'm on my way back. Now just to find my path once again. I have arrived at the turn-about, and I'm slowly going the circle while I think about which street I want to take for my next journey. Knowing the rest of my life isn't as long as it was when I was 20, I want to be careful to choose a path that I can wear well and has some meaning to me. Waiting and vegetating isn't my style, but a certain amount of caution seems prudent.

Life is funny - or maybe it isn't

You just never know what's going to tilt your leveling device. You never know what you're depending on for a sense of well-being. Sometimes life has to come along and show you, because most of us - least of all, me - don't have enough courage to tilt it ourselves.

My close friend and mentor, the one who coaxed me into following her into her new company a little over three years ago after I had retired, is no longer with the company I consult with. Her departure was sudden - she was a casualty of an acquisition by a larger company. And I found myself, all of a sudden, suffering a deep and profound sense of loss.

We have had the best time together over the last three years. She has a way of convincing me that I want to do what she wants me to do, over my very strong protests. As the older of the two of us - old enough to be her mother - it has been fun to watch my friend manipulate me into the position where she wanted me. Every time she won, I ended up being involved in more people's lives and, yes, enjoying my own life more - being rewarded every step of the way - not the least by becoming acquainted with today's generation of young professionals - people I have come to know, respect, and champion.

The story goes something like this:

At first, she offers me a lark - write a few video scripts. She's new at the company. I can help her make an impact. Piece of cake, and a nice little diversion from retirement. I'm not entrapped yet. Then there are rewrites of a few help screens. Ah, another piece of cake. A few grumbles, a few questions about who these two women are; but hey, we can overcome that. We're experienced at this kind of thing, and it's not really a big deal. The rewrites go out with the software release.

Then it's the review of a piece of software someone else designed. No one knows me, and I'm jumping into someone else's designs and they know not why. Protests, grumbles, messages to back off. Oh well, we tried. It wasn't a good design, and it didn't work, anyway. I don't know that anything we could have done would have saved it.

But we're ok so far. Until the user guide, that is. The question is put to me: Will I take it on? No, I say, but maybe I can find someone to help. No, I really don't want to do it. I've never authored a guide before. No, this isn't my cup of tea. But alas, none of my writer friends wants to take on this project.

So I say, what are friends for? What the heck? I'll do it. What better purpose can a person have than helping a friend? Oh my goodness, did she know that would be my response all along? Am I entrapped now?

I should have known for certain I was in trouble when the response was "write me a few samples." Huh? I have to apply for this job that I don't want? Well, ok. The old guide is a mess; surely I can do better than what's been published in the past.

And so it went. Whenever she asked if I knew someone who would take on a job, somehow I ended up doing it until I was so deeply engrained that she had me begging to let me do it. Does she know me or what!?! I quit telling her no. It just wasted time, because I was going to end up filling the spot she wanted me to fill.

And then I ended up playing the role of a senior manager while we realigned certain departments to make them more proficient and efficient.

Oh, the places I've been, the people I've met! It's been the best ride - a total surprise for my retirement, and a lovely way to continue a very satisfying working relationship with my friend from the company from which I retired.

And then it's over. Just like that. I felt that my head had been chopped off. It's the strangest feeling. One day, I'm running with wolves; the next day, I am in a quiet place where there seems to be no sound, no activity - just utter quiet.

My leveling device has been tilted, for sure. I am gaining my momentum again, but it's only because being in motion is my style. I strive to be upright again. Over time I will be. But I have to regain a focal point. In the meantime, I will be forever grateful for the last three + years. What a wonderful surprise!

My last journey begins...

Here I am -- all of a sudden, it seems -- on my last journey. I don't know how it happened so fast, but I find that it's ok. Looking back, I am satisfied with the path I traveled. My life has been full of people I love and places that take my breath away. These are reflections I can treasure. I have no regrets.

I have been privileged to experience every important phase of a life and to know that I have been there. In retrospect, I have probably been fortunate that somehow I knew to live in the moment, even though that phrase wasn't part of our vernacular when I started many, many years ago. That I traveled that path with that focus in mind -- the moment -- must be a credit to my parents, because a child would never figure it out alone. At the same time, they never neglected to teach me to look past this moment and be prepared for the next. My forever thanks, Mom and Dad.

My last journey. I hope it's not a short trip. I would like it to last 10 or 15 years. That might be just enough for me to learn what it is to be here, in this place and time, too. I would love that.

I realize there's a blessing happening right now because both LDR and I are starting this journey together. We are alone, now, and our only responsibility is to each other -- just as it was when we first started out.

We have been privileged to know the love of our parents and to be able to care for them until the end of their lives. Our beloved son is now gone, too, gently relinquished to the hands of God after 29 years of intense love and life in which he grew up and became a man. Our beloved daughter has chosen a difficult life with her family as missionaries in a land where the comforts of life they have been accustomed to are missing, where the culture and language clash with their American-tuned ears. We have been blessed to watch them meet the challenges of their path and to see for ourselves that they are capable.

So LDR and I start out this last journey alone, with no one who needs special care, no one who is depending on us to be able, to be there. We can provide that special care and devotion to each other. We can experience this journey together, focusing on the other. Some day, only one of us will be left, but for now, we are mightly blessed.

For me, for all that has come before, I can say:

• I went where I wanted to go. I experienced what I wanted to experience. Life did not cheat me.


• I engaged and fully knew what it meant.


• I learned as I went along.


• My faith is still strong. I am running the race. I am satisfied and have no regrets.

I have learned that I am greedy for life. I want to go see, to feel, to know who is in the same place with me at the time.

I am looking forward with eagerness -- and backward with gratefulness -- with only a little reluctance to leave behind the journeys of the past.