Significant losses ...

In loving memory.....

Mavash Atoufi - ... March 1956 (??) -- September 28, 2014
I don't know if there will be an obituary published for Mavash, but her death is a significant loss for me, just as Charles B. Steele's and Dorthy Marshall's deaths were in earlier years. They were, all three, those kind of rare friends you can count on one hand in the course of your lifetime, friendships that surpass any description. All three were vital to my well being and my journey. I still miss Chuck, although I am no longer tempted to turn off at the exit to his home when I drive that stretch of the highway, and he died 17 years ago. Dot has been gone longer than that, and I still remember our conversations as though they were just a few days ago. I will miss Mavash, I'm sure, to the end of my days. She and I both knew that. We became part of each other in some way.

We wept together and we laughed together. We fought and we loved. We agreed and we disagreed. We were on opposite ends of the tug rope, and we were on the same end. When we were opposed, she always won, but we knew it was by mutual agreement. We were both strong-willed people. We changed each other, but we remained independent of each other and true to our own selves. In the end, it was nothing but devotion and respect on both sides.

I grew up as a Christian, and remain so. Jesus runs through my veins and is in the fabric of my bones. Mavash grew up as a Muslim, and I believe she remained so in her heart. But we both knew we loved God and that God brought us together. Our beliefs were in the spiritual realm rather than in the doctrinal realm. We talked about it a lot. We each thanked God, in our own way, for our  unexpected friendship.

Mavash was about 58 years old when she died, far too soon. She learned she had cancer in the fall of 2007 or 2008. I remembered it as 2007, but it was September 2008 when I quit writing my Sometimes Daily Blog. My heart was just sucked out of me with the news. Her symptoms began with some discomfort in her arm, and it was difficult to diagnose. Her doctors said, when she received the diagnosis, the cancer was already at a stage 4. She was kind to allow me in her life during that time, and she freely talked about it with me. I was so grateful. She was a very independent woman, and I know I was privileged to be in her circle of trusted people.

She fought the cancer bravely throughout. She was surrounded by her loving family during the entire time. They each loved her so wisely and allowed her to remain her independent self, giving her the fullness of life that she strove to have, even though I know their instincts were to smother her in their care and make the cancer go away. I know many times that must have been an almost impossible task for them. Their strength was beyond what anyone could expect of themselves.

"I already miss you," she once said to me. And I surely already miss her and will always miss her. There are few people in our lives that impact us in that way. She leaves a hole in my heart while at the same time she fills it. I am richer for having known her. I pray for her family as they travel this demanding road of grief. My sorrow is great, but it can't compare to theirs. I pray for them, and I send all the love I can muster to surround them. They are precious people.

Mavash was a loving and kind person to everyone around her. Wherever she went, she left trails of love and caring, a sense of greater self-worth to those around her.

Karen Sue Hatcher- April 4, 1967 -- April 25, 2011
Karen Sue Hatcher, 44, of Bowling Green, Ky went home to be with Jesus at 8:34 p.m. Monday, April 25, 2011 at the Medical Center at Bowling Green.  She was born in  Stuttgart, Germany while her father was serving in the U.S. Army.  She was a graduate of Scott County High School in Georgetown, Ky and longtime member of Glendale Baptist Church. She is a daughter of Jerry Leigh Hatcher and Judith Ann Hawkins Hatcher, who survive.

She is survived by her parents: Jerry and Judy Hatcher, Bowling Green, Ky;
1 sister: Dr. Kristina Lynne Knisely and husband, Brian, Elizabethtown, Ky;
1 niece: Katie Knisely, Elizabethtown, Ky;
1 nephew: Caleb Knisely, Elizabethtown, Ky;
2 aunts: Sue Roesner and husband, Lauren, Poway, Ca and Susie Fridley and husband, Lloyd, Scott Depot, W.V.;
1 uncle: Steve Hawkins and wife, Connie, Oklahoma City, Ok;
Numerous cousins and many special friends at Fern Terrace Lodge where she lived.
She was preceded in death by her twin brother: Edward Leigh Hatcher.

Funeral services for Karen Sue Hatcher will be 2:00 p.m. Thursday, April 28, 2011 at Glendale Baptist Church with Bro. Richard Oldham officiating and burial in Fairview Cemetery.  Visitation will be after 11:30 a.m. Thursday at Glendale Baptist Church. Expressions of sympathy may take the form of donations to the Glendale Baptist Compassionate Church which faithfully serves the special needs population of Warren County. Donations may be mailed to  Glendale Baptist Church,  1000 Roselawn Way, Bowling Green, Ky 42101
(Published by Goad Funeral Home)

Klaus J Barthel -- September 8, 1939 -- January 7, 2004
Klaus J. Barthel, age 64, of Mechanicsburg, died Wednesday, January 7, 2004 at his home.

Born in Baden Baden, Germany on September 8, 1939, he was the son of Hans Barthel and the late Gertrud Freutel.

Mr. Barthel came to America from Germany in 1953 and graduated from the University of Illinois, after which he had moved to Florida. While residing in Florida, he had worked for General Dynamics, a contractor for NASA's Mercury project.

After settling in Mechanicsburg, he had been employed as an electrical engineer at the Naval Supply Depot in Mechanicsburg, where he was employed for 23 years. He retired in 1997.

He was the widower of the former Diane Petricek, who died in 1997.

In addition to his father, surviving are his two children, Mrs. Jennifer (Aden) Dauchess of Apex, NC and Chris Barthel of San Francisco, CA.

A memorial service will be held on Sunday, January 11, 2004 at 1 p.m., from the Neill Funeral Home, Inc., 3401 Market Street, Camp Hill. Interment will be held at the convenience of the family.

www.neillfh.com www.pennlive.com/obits

Published in the Patriot-News on 1/10/2004.


Helen Grace Shreve Hawkins -- April 19, 1920 -- February 27, 2003

POWAY, Calif. - Helen Grace Shreve Hawkins, 82, of Poway and Bowling Green, Ky., died February 27, 2003, in Poway.

Helen was employed by the Union Carbide Tech Center in South Charleston. She retired in 1976 after working there for approximately 20 years.

She attended Hillvue Heights Church, Bowling Green, and was a member of the First Baptist Church of Poway.

A native of Wetzel County, W. Va., Helen was the daughter of the late Ezra and Flossie Lowe Shreve and the widow of Raymond Burns Hawkins. She was preceded in death by her brothers, Carl and Eli Shreve; and sisters Lenora Shreve and Inez Burgess.

Survivors include her two daughters and sons-in-law, Sue and Lauren Roesner of Poway, Judy and Jerry Hatcher of Bowling Green; her son and daughter-in-law, Steve and Connie Hawkins of Oklahoma City, Okla,; four brothers, Howard Shreve of Orland, Calif., Ezra Shreve, Jr. of Middletown, NY, Donald Shreve of Auburn, Calif., Everett Shreve of Wetzel County; two sisters, Edna Miller of Paden City, W. Va., Edith Young of Glendale, Ariz.; six grandchildren, five great-grandchildren; and numerous nieces and nephews.

Celebration of her life was held at the First Baptist Church of Poway with burial at Dearborn Memorial Park beside her beloved husband, Raymond.

Expressions of sympathy may take the form of donations to Tyler City Pentecostal Church of God, Helen Hawkins Memorial Fund, P. O. Box 550, Middlebourne, WV 26149-0550.
(Published in the Charleston, WV, Gazette)

Raymond Burns Hawkins -- October 25, 1913 -- February 13, 1997

Raymond Burns Hawkins, age 83, died on Thursday at the Villa Pomerado in Poway CA.

Raymond, son of George Willard Hawkins and Mary Jane Alley Hawkins, was born in Pine Grove WV on October 25, 1913. He taught in rural Wetzel County schools after his graduation from Glenville State Teachers College. He later went to work at E. I. DuPont's Belle, West Virginia, chemical manufacturing plant, from where he retired after 32 years.

In 1977, he and his wife, Helen, moved to Poway.

During his years in West Virginia, he was a member of the Methodist Church. Upon moving to Poway, he began a loving association with the people at the First Baptist Church, becoming a full member in 1980. He was involved in many ministries, including teaching, visitation, and prayer ministry.

He is survived by his beloved wife, Helen; daughters Ramona Sue Roesner of Poway and Judith Ann Hatcher of Bowling Green KY; son Stephen Ray Hawkins of Norman OK; seven grandchildren and four great grand-children; two sisters, Dorothy Hawkins of Elkview, WV, and Frances Casdorph of Charleston, WV; nephew Dr. Mark Casdorph and niece Marsha Casdorph, both of Charleston, WV.

Funeral services will be at the First Baptist Church in Poway on Saturday, February 15. Rev Bob Rooks, Rev Ron Shepard, and Rev Milton Woodall will be officiating.
(Published in the Charleston WV Gazette)

Lauren Dennis Roesner, Jr -- July 17, 1968 -- July 30, 1997

ROESNER -- Lauren Dennis, Jr., went from the loving arms of his mother and father into the loving arms of his Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, on Wednesday morning, July 30, 1997.

Dennis was born in Rockledge FL on July 17, 1968. In 1977, he moved with his family from Florida to Poway, CA.

He attended Poway High and Abraxas schools, worked at Taco Bell for several years and made many friends.

He is survived by his parents Lauren and Sue Roesner of Poway; his grandmother, Helen Hawkins of Poway; his sister and brother-in-law, Donna and Todd Kent of Escondido and his nieces and nephew, Stephanie, Amanda and Nathan.

During his last days, he was comforted by the presence of his family, his AFS brother Mathieu Bouwman from the Netherlands, and many friends from his church families at Mt.Olive Lutheran Church and the First Baptist Church in Poway.

He will be missed by the many who loved and knew him and who were enriched by his humor and his strong faith.

In lieu of flowers, the family suggests donations, in memory of Dennis, be given to Elizabeth Hospice. Funeral services will be held at Mt. Olive Lutheran Church in Poway on Friday, August 1, 1997, at 1:30 p.m. with graveside services immediately following at Dearborn Cemetery.

Viewing will be from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm Thursday, July 31, at Poway-Bernardo Mortuary
(Published in the San Diego Union Tribune)


Charles Bruce Steele -- December 1920 -- July 27, 1997

Charles B. Steele, 76; multitalented engineer, manager, tax consultant
Jack Williams, STAFF WRITER

11-Aug-1997 Monday

His careers were in management and tax consulting, but Charles B. Steele never strayed far from the the engineering skills that he learned at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

You could see it in the educational games he devised for his family. You could see it in his woodworking, his repair of cameras and his tinkering with computers and electronics.

He also applied his construction skills in helping to build a floating hospital, Esperanca, in the 1970s that was designed to aid the underprivileged along the Amazon River in South America.

Mr. Steele, 76, died of bone cancer July 27 at The Cloisters of La Jolla.

A La Jolla resident for 28 years, he was a part-time tax consultant and tax preparer until his death.

Mr. Steele earned bachelor's and master's degrees at MIT after graduating from high school in his native Butte, Mont.

He joined the Army in May 1942 and served in Africa, the Aleutian Islands, Alaska and Italy during World War II, attaining the rank of major.

After the war, Mr. Steele was employed in the corporate office of Standard Oil in San Francisco as a supervisor and compensation analyst. He left the oil company after 22 years to work for the Atomic Energy Commission in Livermore.

Mr. Steele moved in 1969 to La Jolla, where he worked another 12 years part-time as a tax consultant for Jassoy, Graff and Douglas. He was self-employed at the time of his death.

During his career as a tax consultant, he served as director of the San Diego County chapter of the Inland Society of Tax Consultants and edited their newsletter, The Forum.

He was active in La Jolla Presbyterian Church and delivered food to the elderly for Meals on Wheels.

He is survived by his wife of 51 years, Adri Anne; three daughters, Suzanne Land, of La Jolla, Diane Hinchman, of West Covina, and Joanne Davis, of Noosa Head, Australia; a sister, Pauline Nelson, of Reston, Va.; and seven grandchildren.

Services were Aug. 1. Cremation was planned, with ashes to be scattered in the sea off Point Loma. Donations are suggested to the Yellowstone Boys and Girls Ranch Foundation, P.O. Box 80807, Billings, MT 59108.

Copyright Union-Tribune Publishing Co.


Diane Barthel -- May 23, 1945 -- July 1997

Floyd Roesner -- August 7, 1908 -- April 21, 1997

Mary Lola Hawkins -- February 1915 -- January 6, 1997

Laura Ida Schmuck Roesner -- April 19, 1910 -- November 11, 1986

Dorothy C Marshall -- August 6, 1914 -- July 1993

A Democrat in a Republican World

(I posted this to my AOL site February 13, 2003. AOL has notified us that their hometown sites will be shut down October 31, 2008. I want to save the thoughts in this post, so I'm posting it here.)

A Democrat in a Republican World
February 13, 2003

Watching the piece on 60-Minutes Sunday night discussing the Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins made we wonder if I was a Democrat in a Republican world. It might have been Gary Bauer, someone who lobbies for Christian issues in Washington, or another of the interviewees who said that 2/3 of Christians in churches are Republicans.

Whoever it was, the attitude portrayed by many of the interviewees disturbed me. The emphasis was on what we call the end times, not on the current times. It wasn't on how we live today or in whom we believe for our daily and eternal life. It smacked of saying believers are mostly Republicans, pre-tribs, and that the gospel is about the rapture. Way too much for this Democrat who happens to be a Christian no matter where she is.

This Christian doesn't believe Jesus' message was ever about how it's going to shake out and that we'd better focus on the end and make sure we're part of the crowd of end-time theologists. I believe Jesus' message was that we are to love God with everything we are and love our neighbors deeply -- today, tomorrow, and as long as we live. If we fail to do that, if we fail to even want to do that, then we need be concerned about our future.

Yes, fear of the end of things is a real motivator for us to clean up our lives. But I don't believe Jesus ever meant for us to hinge our whole focus on the "then" when there's so much he would have us do now.

For me, though, the issue isn't the Left Behind series, the focus on a pre-trib rapture, the thinking about end-times. It's the "Republican are Christians and therefore are right" flavor that came along with the 60-Minute piece, the same flavor I've seen here and there over the years with the religious right which comes mostly from the Republican party.

One speaker, when questioned, said that over 2/3 of people in churches are Republicans. I guess that means I am in the the minority and probably unacceptable, as both a Christian and a Democrat, to them. Although I am in church more often than most, making up part of the 1/3 non-Righteous non-Republicans, I would be defined as errant and second class, maybe even heathen, by the majority. But somehow, I don't think I am second class in God's eyes. I believe Jesus has seen to that for me.

Although I don't go out of my way to make noise, I do complain when someone brings "Vote Republican" literature into church and tells me I should vote for someone simply because he or she is a Christian. I take a stand and tell them I will not support it. I support strong moral values in our country (I may be on losing ground), but I do not equate strong moral values solely with Christianity and I don't believe having strong moral values makes one a Christian. I don't even believe that claiming the Christian faith equates to having strong moral values. I also believe God can use anyone for his purposes.

Truly, I have wondered a long time if the Pharisees of Jesus' time are the Christian-right Republicans of my time. This is such an offensive thought to me, but it is a thought which crosses my mind often when Christianity is touted politically. The Pharisees were so careful to do what was right; in fact, they were proud of it. Surely God must have been on their side, they thought. Today's political Christian right seems to smack of the same flavor.

Is sin disobeying the 10 commandments? Isn't sin, according to Christian standards, actually ignoring God? Isn't sin thinking of ourselves more than we think of others, wanting instant self-gratification, wanting our way, lacking compassion and understanding? Is this where our cultural divide is, the divide between Christians registered politically as Republicans and those not so registered? Is the divide actually a wall where on one side we do right and the other side we think about what right really means?

In the aftermath of September 11, 2001, patriotism overwhelmed the churches. Patriotic fervor was equated to Christian fervor. I bulked at that, too. I don't believe loving our country is the same as loving God. I worried for my church friends as I saw more flags and fewer Bibles, as the talk about our magnificent country consumed our studies, about how September 11 was a message to us to turn back and become a Christian nation again so God wouldn't let something that terrible happen again. I was vocal at that time, too, hoping to persuade my friends that God doesn't do things like that. I believe we become confused very easily.

Was Jesus a Republican? I believe if Jesus was politically active in those days, he would have been an independent. He actually knew all the love and the intensity of God's desire to bring everyone to himself. He knew why the rules were written, why good is better than bad. I think this is something I desire for my Christian right (Republican) friends -- that other 2/3 in my church. I want them to know God didn't write the rules so we could follow them and be ok. He wrote the rules because he hoped they were simple enough for us to learn how to live in the blessings he wanted to give us. He knew we couldn't get the big picture -- the one about loving our neighbor as ourselves and the one about loving him above all else.

Let's stop to think, just for a few moments. Let's tune our ears to one beyond ourselves. Let's see if we can hear God whisper to us, to love our neighbor as ourselves and to love God above all others.

God, have mercy on us. Lord, have mercy. We have become confused.

Oct 2, 2008 - Note: The trend to Christianize or de-Christianize people by their political affiliations seems to be waning. For that, I'm very glad!

Wide, but not so deep

These days, I'm looking around - just shopping -- as I think about where to go from here. We're between trips, and I'm catching on that I have developed a pattern. When I have something planned in my future, I tend to use the between-time to skim the surface of time instead of digging down into life and getting some real experience. Wide, but not deep.

Where do I go from here? Why does it matter? Where is here that I need to know where to go next?

Here is a major change in lifestyle from working to non-working. I have been officially re-retired since mid February, and now it is moving toward the middle of June. By traveling locally and internationally, I have avoided the proverbial next-step thinking until now. But it's time. This next trip is our last planned trip of the year!

Here are some potential next-step projects:

• Catch up on reading.


• Finish the bedspread quilt.


• Read the blogs of others and think about how I would respond.


• Concentrate on more Bible study.


• Enlarge my social network.


• Take a course.


• Do volunteer work.


• Continue to clean out accumulations of years.


• Sew for Erica.


• Do some art sewing.


• Knit.


• Embroidery.

More on writing

My very literary and talented friend Susan sent me a lovely note after my visit to her home last week. In it, she quotes E. B. White from a New Yorker piece entitled Estimating the Tax. I can't find the piece on the Internet, but here's a link to a little blurb about White: http://bookcriticscircle.blogspot.com/2006/11/eb-white-on-big-picture_30.html

Here's the quote Susan sent to me:

To a writer, almost everything in life seems a special problem and
virtually insolvable...

The whole process, actually, calls for so fine an adjustment of fact and
fancy, of hope and memory, that only a truly creative person is capable of
tackling it at all.

All I can add is, "ain't it the truth!" One's own writing is never good enough. I marvel at those who can write prose that sings, where every word counts and has its own story to tell. My friend Dan, to whom I will send a number of writing reference books in August, provided he lets me know where he is, falls victim to this writers' malady as he works his words, reworks them, and then works them again. He and I could spend two hours on a single paragraph when we had the luxury of time to do so.

Writing is a kind of music. If you read it aloud, which I believe is a must when you're writing for real publication, the writing needs to have melody and ryhthm. It needs to fit within itself and be one song. I am training myself to not be a writer, little by little. I am gathering the courage to delete, instead of read, the many writers listserv notes I receive during the day. No matter what delights the new holds, it's painful to say goodbye to the old. However, if one fails to move on, the journey is lost. I don't want to lose the journey. I want to travel the entire trip. There is still uncharted territory ahead for me. I want to experience it.

Writing is good

It's good to write about things, and it's easy not to write. I find that writing does many things for me.

Writing is a discussion with yourself. It's my theory that our fingers have a connection to the brain that is deeper than our conscious connection. All my life, when I am in deep trouble with myself, I've been able to pick up a pencil or pen (and now a word processor of sorts on my computer) and dump portions of my thoughts that I can't connect to when I'm just thinking. Sometimes, it leads me out of my trouble into a better experience.

Writing helps you remember things that you otherwise forget. It's probably because you are using another sense - the sense of touch - to record a memory. I not only have a better chance of remembering something I wrote about (this is a good study tool when you're taking tests, too), looking back at something you wrote is like looking back at a photograph. It helps you get to a place that otherwise you can't quite put a finger on.

Writing is a good analytical tool. You can see what you wrote, compare different views (your thoughts) about a single thing, and come to a better (or clearer) conclusion about a topic. You can use your fingers to trace what you wrote, to feel the difference between one idea and another.

Writing is a good thing for me. A person doesn't need to write well to use the power of writing to enrich a life. The idea of writing well is subjective, anyway. What's good writing to one will be bad writing to another. It's like beauty - all in the eye of the beholder.

Writing is tactile. Writing is a good way for many of us to enhance our experience of life. I must discipline myself to write. If I don't like what I write, I can always edit it! Write on!

Winding Down

Amazing how easy it is to wind down a little. I can only conclude that winding down is long overdue. How easily I begin to slip back into my long-time comfort zone amidst yarns, fabrics, books, thoughts, reading my yahoo group digest for the first time in many years to see who's knitting what kind of socks now, getting lost in a cookbook for Middle Eastern recipes and descriptions of how food is served.

It was a big decision when I decided to retire in 2001 because I loved my job; but once I settled into retirement, I never looked back. It was absolutely the right decision. It was another big decision when my friend called me back to the working world in 2003, but after much deep introspection, I committed to her for as long as she needed me; and I gave up looking back, even then. And now this unexpected return to retirement again - I'm amazed at how ready I am.

Nearly four weeks ago, when we knew we would see a dramatic change at the end of the weekend, I was lost. And I know she was, too - we were both in shock. Only two weeks before, we had discussed a 5-year plan and I had agreed to join her (even though a career continuation of 5 years, at my age, is silly to think about).

But as I have come to realize that this is the way it is, I have begun to slip back to the retired me, surrounded by my stuff, and I find I'm content.

Christmas morning, I was up at 5:30 in the morning. My yearning took me directly to my sewing machine where I picked up a long-neglected quilt and put together the sash for it. It will become a bedspread when I'm done. I worked steadily for almost three hours before Lauren was up and at it for the day. I was lost in a mental flow, and all feelings of loss and confusion lifted like a fog as the sun climbs the sky. That was probably the turning point for me.

This past week, I even picked up one of my Karen Armstrong books, left laying on a shelf some time ago (perhaps a year, or two, or three), and I was able to sink my thoughts into it quickly. Such a complex thinker, she is. After having read her account of her young adulthood and how she came to be where she is today, I think I try to read between the lines about her spiritual journey in all the things she writes; and I wonder where she really stands today. Such an interesting person.

And I'm well into the latest Elizabeth George - this last book is such a departure from her previous series. I found the story a little hard to get into, but after putting the book down at night, I find that her characters stay with me.

Hello world. I'm on my way back. Now just to find my path once again. I have arrived at the turn-about, and I'm slowly going the circle while I think about which street I want to take for my next journey. Knowing the rest of my life isn't as long as it was when I was 20, I want to be careful to choose a path that I can wear well and has some meaning to me. Waiting and vegetating isn't my style, but a certain amount of caution seems prudent.

Life is funny - or maybe it isn't

You just never know what's going to tilt your leveling device. You never know what you're depending on for a sense of well-being. Sometimes life has to come along and show you, because most of us - least of all, me - don't have enough courage to tilt it ourselves.

My close friend and mentor, the one who coaxed me into following her into her new company a little over three years ago after I had retired, is no longer with the company I consult with. Her departure was sudden - she was a casualty of an acquisition by a larger company. And I found myself, all of a sudden, suffering a deep and profound sense of loss.

We have had the best time together over the last three years. She has a way of convincing me that I want to do what she wants me to do, over my very strong protests. As the older of the two of us - old enough to be her mother - it has been fun to watch my friend manipulate me into the position where she wanted me. Every time she won, I ended up being involved in more people's lives and, yes, enjoying my own life more - being rewarded every step of the way - not the least by becoming acquainted with today's generation of young professionals - people I have come to know, respect, and champion.

The story goes something like this:

At first, she offers me a lark - write a few video scripts. She's new at the company. I can help her make an impact. Piece of cake, and a nice little diversion from retirement. I'm not entrapped yet. Then there are rewrites of a few help screens. Ah, another piece of cake. A few grumbles, a few questions about who these two women are; but hey, we can overcome that. We're experienced at this kind of thing, and it's not really a big deal. The rewrites go out with the software release.

Then it's the review of a piece of software someone else designed. No one knows me, and I'm jumping into someone else's designs and they know not why. Protests, grumbles, messages to back off. Oh well, we tried. It wasn't a good design, and it didn't work, anyway. I don't know that anything we could have done would have saved it.

But we're ok so far. Until the user guide, that is. The question is put to me: Will I take it on? No, I say, but maybe I can find someone to help. No, I really don't want to do it. I've never authored a guide before. No, this isn't my cup of tea. But alas, none of my writer friends wants to take on this project.

So I say, what are friends for? What the heck? I'll do it. What better purpose can a person have than helping a friend? Oh my goodness, did she know that would be my response all along? Am I entrapped now?

I should have known for certain I was in trouble when the response was "write me a few samples." Huh? I have to apply for this job that I don't want? Well, ok. The old guide is a mess; surely I can do better than what's been published in the past.

And so it went. Whenever she asked if I knew someone who would take on a job, somehow I ended up doing it until I was so deeply engrained that she had me begging to let me do it. Does she know me or what!?! I quit telling her no. It just wasted time, because I was going to end up filling the spot she wanted me to fill.

And then I ended up playing the role of a senior manager while we realigned certain departments to make them more proficient and efficient.

Oh, the places I've been, the people I've met! It's been the best ride - a total surprise for my retirement, and a lovely way to continue a very satisfying working relationship with my friend from the company from which I retired.

And then it's over. Just like that. I felt that my head had been chopped off. It's the strangest feeling. One day, I'm running with wolves; the next day, I am in a quiet place where there seems to be no sound, no activity - just utter quiet.

My leveling device has been tilted, for sure. I am gaining my momentum again, but it's only because being in motion is my style. I strive to be upright again. Over time I will be. But I have to regain a focal point. In the meantime, I will be forever grateful for the last three + years. What a wonderful surprise!

My last journey begins...

Here I am -- all of a sudden, it seems -- on my last journey. I don't know how it happened so fast, but I find that it's ok. Looking back, I am satisfied with the path I traveled. My life has been full of people I love and places that take my breath away. These are reflections I can treasure. I have no regrets.

I have been privileged to experience every important phase of a life and to know that I have been there. In retrospect, I have probably been fortunate that somehow I knew to live in the moment, even though that phrase wasn't part of our vernacular when I started many, many years ago. That I traveled that path with that focus in mind -- the moment -- must be a credit to my parents, because a child would never figure it out alone. At the same time, they never neglected to teach me to look past this moment and be prepared for the next. My forever thanks, Mom and Dad.

My last journey. I hope it's not a short trip. I would like it to last 10 or 15 years. That might be just enough for me to learn what it is to be here, in this place and time, too. I would love that.

I realize there's a blessing happening right now because both LDR and I are starting this journey together. We are alone, now, and our only responsibility is to each other -- just as it was when we first started out.

We have been privileged to know the love of our parents and to be able to care for them until the end of their lives. Our beloved son is now gone, too, gently relinquished to the hands of God after 29 years of intense love and life in which he grew up and became a man. Our beloved daughter has chosen a difficult life with her family as missionaries in a land where the comforts of life they have been accustomed to are missing, where the culture and language clash with their American-tuned ears. We have been blessed to watch them meet the challenges of their path and to see for ourselves that they are capable.

So LDR and I start out this last journey alone, with no one who needs special care, no one who is depending on us to be able, to be there. We can provide that special care and devotion to each other. We can experience this journey together, focusing on the other. Some day, only one of us will be left, but for now, we are mightly blessed.

For me, for all that has come before, I can say:

• I went where I wanted to go. I experienced what I wanted to experience. Life did not cheat me.


• I engaged and fully knew what it meant.


• I learned as I went along.


• My faith is still strong. I am running the race. I am satisfied and have no regrets.

I have learned that I am greedy for life. I want to go see, to feel, to know who is in the same place with me at the time.

I am looking forward with eagerness -- and backward with gratefulness -- with only a little reluctance to leave behind the journeys of the past.

Puddleglum's Testimony

A favorite passage from:

Puddleglum's Testimony
From The Silver Chair Book 4 in the Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
Copyright 1953 by Macmillan Publishing Company

To the Lady of the Green Kirtle, the Queen of Underland, Puddleglum, the Marsh-wiggle, (in the presence of Scrubb, Jill, and Prince Rilian) says:

"One word, Ma'am. One word. All you've been saying is quite right, I shouldn't wonder. I'm a chap who always liked to know the worst and then put the best face I can on it. So I won't deny any of what you said. But there's one thing more to be said, even so. Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things -- trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say."
(July 12, 1998)

A book to read

Being Good, A short introduction to ethics, by Simon Blackburn, Oxford University Press, copyright 2001.

From the front matter:

Simon Blackburn is Professor of Philosophy at the University of Cambridge. Until 2000 he was Edna J. Koury Distinguished Professor of Philosophy at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and from 1969 to 1990 a Fellow and Tutor at Pembroke College, Oxford.

http://www.phil.cam.ac.uk/~swb24/